Coming into Contact with the Deposed Minister of the Dutch Reformed Church, Rev. J. P. Paauwe, and His Sermons
In this chapter, the author recounts how, through a young woman and the preaching of the deposed Dutch Reformed minister Rev. J. P. Paauwe, he is drawn into a profound inner struggle. He wrestles with the question of whether God can truly be known through Scripture, resists conversion with all his strength, and yet finds himself increasingly confronted by a power that works against his own will. The chapter traces the slow, painful awakening of conviction without yet arriving at peace.
Only later did I come to understand that He had set me upon another path, and that He had made use of people to do so.
A Providential Encounter
Thus a young woman entered my life—someone who would restrain me from the foolish plans I had made for myself. She would bring me into contact with true preaching. I had already met her earlier at my parents’ home; she was a friend of my sister. Much could be told about our meetings.
Already at our first encounter, many questions were raised. I asked her questions such as: Who is God? and How do you know that the Bible is His Word? Her answers struck me deeply. I came to the conclusion that she had come from a good background and that her answers pointed toward solutions to the problems that troubled me.
When we spoke about the Bible, she herself said little. Instead, she advised me to listen to a good preacher. She referred me to Rev. Paauwe. I decided at once to attend that church.
First Encounter with the Preaching
Shortly after our meeting—on Sunday, April 19, 1942—I listened to his preaching for the first time. It made a deep impression on me. In my own mind, I compared this preaching to that of the great psychologists of the world. I thought then that he had an answer to every question. Yet it was not spoken in my manner. Still, much was loosened within me.
My girlfriend and I spoke at length about this. She listened to me and showed a sincere openness to hearing all my questions and difficulties. I placed my trust in her and could therefore tell her everything. We often spoke about spiritual matters, though without yet being united in them.
She held the conviction that we must come to know God through the Bible. I, however, did not consider this necessary. I maintained that God could also make Himself known to us through nature alone. What a stubborn fool I revealed myself to be at that time.
I had now been brought onto the right path, yet I still rejected the Bible and, with it, Christ. At times I raged fiercely; the devil did not want to release me. I did not want to be converted. I wanted to maintain myself over against the preaching and thus over against God. Under no condition did I want to surrender.
Resistance and Rupture
My resistance to the preaching grew so strong that I decided not to go to that church anymore. I told my girlfriend that on Sunday evening, May 17, 1942—
She placed herself on the side of the Lord and answered me that we could no longer walk together. Instead of joining her on the good path, I tried to pull her onto the wrong one. It did not occur to me that in doing so I would make her, and myself, eternally unhappy. Above all, I revealed myself as an enemy of God and of my fellow man, though I was unaware of this.
In the end, I would owe my salvation not to my own cooperation, but to God alone. His work would run directly against my thoughts and desires.
Reflecting on her answer, I found it unbearable to hear. A friendship had developed between us; we had shared much in confidence. Therefore, it was not easy for me to part from her in this way.
We parted that evening, but the struggle had also begun. I found myself repeatedly confronted with the question: Does God reveal Himself to us only through nature, or does He reveal Himself in a special way through His Word?
The problem of whether God does or does not speak through the Bible continued to occupy me. I had never resolved it myself. It was a question that demanded an answer.
The Decisive Moment
A few days after that decisive Sunday, early one morning, I again asked myself whether God speaks to us through the Bible. Then I heard a voice, clearly audible, saying: “That is it.”
I was completely unprepared to hear such a voice. I sat upright in bed to see whether there was anyone present in my surroundings. I immediately understood that this was a voice from above and that the answer referred to my question of whether God speaks to us through the Bible. From that moment on, I believed that the Bible is God’s Word. God Himself was still unknown to me.
From then on, I could place my trust in the preaching of Rev. Paauwe. I regularly listened to his sermons, and they brought me into deep self-examination.
Nevertheless, I attempted to reason everything out. When the minister said that we must understand reality, my intellect went to work. I tried to obtain an answer through reasoning to the question of what reality is. At another time he preached that Christ died in order to make the elect righteous before God. Since I did not understand the meaning of such a statement, I busied myself intellectually with it.
At that time, I had no spiritual understanding of divine matters. My girlfriend often remarked that I made things difficult and that I was too serious. At times she noticed that I had no peace, because eternal matters remained unresolved for me. Day and night I lay awake, or else I rose again. Yet still I spoke about Christ and about the Bible.
I had gained the impression that true life was to be found here. Even so, Christ Himself was still unknown to me.
I was conscious of having been brought away from a wrong path and that a supernatural power was at work. God, Christ, and my rejection of myself because of my sins—I had not yet learned to know these.
Notes Toward Understanding
During this period, many new thoughts arose within me. From June 8, 1942 onward, I made regular notes of them.
The spirit that went out from this preaching was entirely different from the spirit of society, of the world. I had perceived this clearly from the beginning. Rev. Paauwe preached during this time, as he would continue to do for many years. He explained what sin is, why Christ came to earth, who God is, and how all of this becomes known to us.
What he said precisely at that time, I can no longer remember. Nor can I now fully explain it. I did know that I had committed many sins, but of being a sinner before God I knew nothing.
For those who have never heard of Rev. Paauwe, I will gladly speak of him elsewhere in this book.
What follows now are the notes I made during that period.
Annotations
- Rev. J. P. Paauwe (1872–1956) was a Dutch Reformed minister who was deposed from the official church for his refusal to compromise doctrinally. His preaching attracted many during the German occupation who felt spiritually estranged from both modern theology and political accommodation.
- April–June 1942 marks a period of intense pressure on Dutch civil and church life under Nazi occupation, a background that deepens the urgency of the author’s spiritual struggle.
- The brief auditory experience (“That is it”) is described soberly and without embellishment, consistent with Reformed spirituality, emphasizing conviction rather than emotionalism.
- The tension between knowing God through nature and knowing Him through Scripture reflects a long-standing theological divide between Enlightenment rationalism and Reformation Christianity.
God Won, I Lost 